Somedays

Somedays, it is difficult to tell if my depression is really depression or the fact that I am experiencing side effects from all the medications I take and their obvious interactions, although my doctors are theoretically on top of this or so they claim...  but, each body reacts differently...  and, I actually do not feel this way everyday.  And, it could also be from staying at home all the time because of COVID...  or, even my old age... so many factors from which to make a decision...  and, I suppose it is ok to experience what I am feeling as long as I am not suicidal. 

Somedays, I just want to lie in bed all day and do nothing but sleep and feel sorry for myself because of my health circumstances and my marriage but then when I do that, my Siamese cat comes in once or twice for recognition and I am awakened and feel the joy of having animals around, especially cats and especially because I have forgotten what it is like to live with dogs and the dachshund with whom I grew up...  and, the black one I took to college.

Somedays, I want to get out in the yard and keep myself busy doing odds and ends that may or may not improve the way our landscaping appears to all those who pass by our land...  and, just keep myself busy so that the days pass by more quickly and I do not feel the pain of being alone even though I am living with someone with whom I wanted (at one point in time) to share my future.

Somedays...  is all I have anymore...