Chemo and Christmas Decorations

As we look ahead into the month of December and the inevitable colder weather of winter, I am glad that I have gotten my Flu Shot and also glad that I seldom leave the house and have no desire to leave because of the COVID Pandemic.  And, when I do leave the house, I always wear a face mask when going inside anywhere except my own home of course.

This week will be a week of colder weather here in the Valley in the 40's I believe whereas last week it was in the 60's and I am still wondering what happened to the 50's since none of them were experienced.

Despite having to go outside to install our Christmas decorations...  a task we do every year after Thanksgiving, I must, at the end of the week, travel to Knoxville for my month Chemo Infusion and while I still refer to it as chemo, the infusion I get is considered an immunotherapy.  And, as you recall if you are reading my diary, I also take a daily immunotherapy pill as well.

My visit will be on Thursday early, starting at 7:30 am or so with Lab Work and then a short walk to a 6 chair suite where the infusions are given..  If I am not mistaken, there are 8 suites and two nurses assigned to each suite or a 3:1 ratio, and while my days started here with infusions that took 5-6 hours, today, once started, my infusion lasts only 30 minutes and I am administered no premeds for nausea, even though nausea is considered a side effect along with fatigue and loss of appetite.

The Art of Living

 

Effortless Living

 

Somedays

Somedays, it is difficult to tell if my depression is really depression or the fact that I am experiencing side effects from all the medications I take and their obvious interactions, although my doctors are theoretically on top of this or so they claim...  but, each body reacts differently...  and, I actually do not feel this way everyday.  And, it could also be from staying at home all the time because of COVID...  or, even my old age... so many factors from which to make a decision...  and, I suppose it is ok to experience what I am feeling as long as I am not suicidal. 

Somedays, I just want to lie in bed all day and do nothing but sleep and feel sorry for myself because of my health circumstances and my marriage but then when I do that, my Siamese cat comes in once or twice for recognition and I am awakened and feel the joy of having animals around, especially cats and especially because I have forgotten what it is like to live with dogs and the dachshund with whom I grew up...  and, the black one I took to college.

Somedays, I want to get out in the yard and keep myself busy doing odds and ends that may or may not improve the way our landscaping appears to all those who pass by our land...  and, just keep myself busy so that the days pass by more quickly and I do not feel the pain of being alone even though I am living with someone with whom I wanted (at one point in time) to share my future.

Somedays...  is all I have anymore...

THANKSGIVING

Since I have two different cancers, prostate cancer concerns still, colon cancer concerns, lung cancer concerns, thyroid issues due to cancer treatments, heart disease, and a damaged heart due to a heart attack...  one might easily think that I have very little for which to be thankful...  BUT for me...  the opposite is true.

I'M STILL ALIVE...

AND...  the power of the universe that some may call a Creator or even a GOD has allowed me to continue to live strong and well despite or in spite of these ailments to my body.

The human race is not just a coincidence brought about by systematic and endless evolution but and a design that was incredibly intelligent and that kind of intelligence is far beyond our current science or even our level of understanding.

All one has to do is look at the intricacies of our human bodies...  and can you logically conclude that was probably brought about by millions of years of evolution?  That conclusion simply does not make sense to some of us, especially me.

Every word, thought, or action that has ever been spoken, thought, or acted upon has been turned into energy and is floating around in our universe just waiting to be discovered and tapped into through meditation and cosmic awareness.

It is this cosmic awareness or consciousness that is keeping me alive for one reason or another of which I am totally unaware...  and, the most likely explanation besides it is not my time to go, is that I have something yet to do or accomplish.

SO YES...  

ON THIS THANKSGIVING AND 

EVERY YEAR HEREAFTER, 

I AM AND WILL  CONTINUE TO BE 

ESPECIALLY THANKFUL 

FOR ALL THAT 

HAS BEEN 

GIVEN TO ME...

Going With The Flow...

 

Always Something

If you recall, my cancer was first diagnosed when I was 60 some 13 years ago and there is a good probability that because of all the various chemo regimes through which I went, one of them caused me to contract a second cancer of Melanoma that traveled from the bottom of my left foot to my left groin area in just under 5 years.  And, it is because of this migration that I was given radiation along with an immunotherapy of Opdivo which seems to have substantially reduced it and actually killed a bunch of it.

It is difficult to ascertain whether the dead cells are Lymphoma or Melanoma because they are a combination of both and the only way to be sure is to perform a biopsy which if they are dead seems rather irrelevant.  However, whenever I lay down on my back and feel around the left side of my groin, I can feel the lumps of dead tissue there that will never disappear and be constant reminders of what I have endured with my cancers.

Every day I take two pills for my Lymphoma and every day I take medication for my Thyroid because it was damaged by my cancer treatments.  Every month I have an infusion to control my Melanoma and every other month, I have an infusion of IVIG to help boost my low immunity and improve my anemia.  Every 3 months, I have alternative CT and PET scans to see if my cancers are still under control and every 3 months I have a full naked body exam by a dermatologist to see if my continued cancer treatments are creating any new skin cancers which is often the case as I have had half a dozen removed since this process was started.  AND...  every three years now because of my cancer treatments, I have a colonoscopy because my treatments could trigger cancer there.

Next month, I have a special CT scan to see if the tumor in my lungs has grown large enough so that a biopsy can be performed.

When one is living with cancer...  there is always something.

A Good Morning

Each morning that I awake is a good morning more or less...  more because I am still alive and less because of the life I must live because of my heart issues and my cancers.  It is true that my Thyroid Meds do make me feel better but that still does not alleviate that out-of-breath conditions that I experience every time I exhibit a little bit of physical work whether it be strenuous or simply bending over.

Every night when I go to my bed chamber to sleep and forget the day, I must put down a second sheet on top of the first incase I experience any night sweats and if that is not good enough, the slightest little cut will bleed for several minutes and more especially at night which is why I oftentimes wake up during the middle of the night and feel wet spots on my pillow or on the sheet covering me.

During the night anyway...  I wake up several times and have to urinate...  and, much of that is because of all the water I must drink during the day to keep myself hydrated because of my recent hospitalization due to a staph infection in my blood.

It is not that easy getting old as both my parents had shared with me before they died and now I am experiencing what they shared first hand and now know exactly how they felt or how they must have felt from my perspective.

Late Sleeping

Each day moves less slowly than the day before or the day before that and yet I know not how many days that might be left for me as the way the game is played is the way each day is approached, understood, and used to one's advantage and for gratitude for the day itself that you were given.  Odd how my thoughts flow out as I get older and older and farther from my youth than I have ever been before as each day passes ever so quickly right before my eyes.

When I was working, my mornings always began at 5:00 am and not a moment before and I was in bed the night before by 9:00 pm or 10:00 pm.  On the weekends, I would sleep another hour or so and was up by 6:00 or 6:30 am.  Then, when on vacation and as much as I would try, my days began somewhere between 5:00 am or 6:00 am and not a minutes after...   until, it was the last day or two of my week off and I was beginning to relax a bit, but the vacation was over.

Being retired has turned into starting my mornings much later than ever before at 7:00 am or 7:30 am but sometimes and for no apparent reason, I do not awake until 8:00 am or 8:30 am or even later.  It matters not if I had been working outside the day before or not, my awaking time gets later and later.

Perhaps it is old age.

Perhaps it is the treatment for the cancers.

Perhaps it is my body and mind becoming more relaxed.

Perhaps it is the result of me urinating several times throughout the might.

And, while my days seems to be started later and later, that does just present me with bad news or news that is less than positive (depending upon one's perspective) but there seems to be a silver lining similar to one my mother always used to find and that is the fact that the longer I sleep in the morning, the less I eat during the day.

Another Day in Paradise

The sun shines brightly through the glass front door once the other more secure door is open and it feels like the outside world has come inside for a visit and while it seems like a pleasant offering, I am still somewhat reluctant to venture outside again like I did a few weeks ago because the COViD-19 cases are on the rise again in most every State.

Is it the increased testing that brought this about...

or,

the general public not really wanting to protect themselves?

One thing is for sure...  we will never really know the FOR SURE answer to all of this until a proven vaccine is on the market and we no longer have to be concerned...

My concern is for me alone since I am in a HIGH RISK group of people and will remain in that HIGH RISK until the day I die which hopefully will be later than sooner.

Other than those concerns my health seems to be exactly as it should be given all the drugs that I have taken and the healthy diet consumed and the constant exercise of sorts that has not returned to be a consistently performed as it used to be,

Staying at home...  has...  more or less...  made me lazy when it comes to my physical activity but my mind is probably being used more than it has ever been before which is curiously interesting to say the least...  especially for me.

COVID-19 Cases on the Increase

Pfizer and its German partner BioNTech will be the first companies to seek emergency authorization for a coronavirus vaccine in the United States, prompting Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar to say that there was “light at the end of the tunnel.” The move means a vaccine could be available on a limited basis within weeks.

But conditions around the country remain dire: The United States reported more than 185,000 new coronavirus cases on Thursday, yet another record. Coronavirus-related hospitalizations are also at an all-time high.

**********

I am not going to the gym as previously planned, nor are we going out to restaurants that we thought were previously safe...  this new increase in cases has got us both worried, especially because of our conditions and we are not sure that our healthcare system really knows how to handle it...

• Is it the responsibility of the government
• Is it the responsibility of the states
• Is it individual responsibility

When I Think Back...

I was at the mature age of 60 when the shit hit the fan as far as my health was concerned and my life, for many reasons the least of which is cancer, has never been the same.  I was diagnosed with cancer, then a heart attack, and three surgeries to insert stints, then monthly chemo treatments, semi annual scans, night sweats, constant nausea and fatigue...  and, then the second cancer arrived which prompted surgery and a few years later, it returned and my doctors turned to radiation and when all was said and done, I was still feeling kinda poorly when a malfunctioning thyroid was then discovered.  And, to make matter a tad worse than they were, I ended up in hospital with a staph infection in my blood and a situation where I almost died once and for all...

Obviously, that did not occur to which I am grateful, but I wonder what will happen next now that my prostate biopsy has, for all intents and purposes turned out to be negative except for one lingering spot that down the road might give me problems.

And, while all is well, all is not ending well it seems because on my lungs a new tumor was found growing quite inconspicuously and a new CT scan will be performed in a month just to see what there might be to see...  if there is anything there to see at all...  still, there is this tumor which might be nothing or something, we do not know, but either way, I believe that it too much go...  which means perhaps another surgery...  after the surgery to biopsy that is.

So, when I think back on what it was like to be HEALTH FREE, I find it all not similar at all to being debt free and buying everything on the basis of cash and carry.

The Last Time...

Several weeks ago and for several years, I felt very fatigued all the time, and along with that fatigue came a loss of motivation not to do too much of anything.  These feelings and sensations, I attributed to my cancer treatments and quite possibly to the cancer itself inside my body.  But...  because I made a comment about sweating during the day to the Nurse Practitioner, my Oncologist decided to run additional tests on my blood and discovered that I had a thyroid condition and prescribed medication for me because it was underactive as I recall.

Within days, my fatigue disappeared and I felt better than anytime in my life that I could recently recall and started doing things around the house that I had not wanted to do for a long time...  a pleasant side effect of this medication was that I was no longer depressed off and on like was the case and my life started to take a more positive approach, even though I thought I was currently being positive.

My fatigue started to return and my blood work again indicated there was a thyroid problem so my dosage was increased and back again I returned to my newly improved self.  And...  this is where I am today, although, sometimes my depression returns as does my fatigue but the length of stay varies but it is always shorter than before...   and, I wonder if my meds need more readjusting...

I am 73 years of age and by rights of my older age, I should not be as active as I was before but for some reason I just don't think it is my old age that is preventing me from feeling that I need to be more active.  We are in the midst of fall and there is much to do around the house like trimming bushes, shrubs, and trees and weed eating around the yard one last time...  and, returning to the gym I must after my prostate biopsy but my increasing arthritis inflammations have so far prevented me...   and, while I am not in favor of taking pills to dull the pain, it may be necessary if I am to stay a young 73 years of age.

Calories and Weight

For more than two and a half months, I have been weighing every morning (the days I missed can be counted on one hand) and have remained consistently below 230 pounds even though I fluctuate between 226 and 229 most often, but never have I been above 230 since I've counting.  Not only do I count my weight but I have been counting calories and eating only those foods that are filled with nutrition and healthy like:  fish, chicken, vegetables, beans, fruits, and breads with low calories similar to English Muffins.  I have also been focusing on antioxidants wherever I can and staying away from fried foods, fast foods, and sugars.

When I first started this approach back in July of this year, my caloric intake was underestimated at between 2000 and 2500 give or take with naturally more giving than taking.  However, with little effort except stubborn persistence, I successfully have reduced my intake to something between 1500 and 2000 which leaves me full and not wanting anything else on most days.  There is more of an intake of water as well even though it was been flavored...  it is water all the same.

I chart my weight and my intake of calories and I fear if I stop either that I will gravitate back to my old ways and have to start all over again as was the case when I finally returned to the gym for exercise.  We are creatures of habit and most of our habits we know well, especially once we have reached the age of 60 and while I have denied myself much, I actually do not miss anything anymore and when I revert back just for a taste you see, I find I don't like it anymore at all and have no desire to taste it again.

BUT...  the real success of my continuation is the simple fact that I adopted a process of eating small meals every two hours about 4-5 times a day which includes snacks as well as meals, starting no earlier than 10:00 am...  then noon...   then 2:00 pm and 4:00 pm and 6:00 would be final...  however, my times have more varied to 11:00 am, 1:00/2:00 pm, 4:00 and 6:00 pm, with my last little snack around 8:00 pm if I eat anything else at all and it is usually just a small cup of fruit (40 calories) and maybe some sugar free cool whip (20 calories).  Right now, I am drinking about a quart of water maybe more like a quart and a half depending upon how hot is was or if I decide to end my day in the hot tub.

Blood Worse Than Cut

Last night at nightfall, I ventured outside in my long cotton robe with hood and down the stairs to the hot tub I went and when I got to the side of entry, I raised the lid, removed the robe, and lifted a leg over the side and into the hot water whereupon I slipped while heaving forward, cracking my head upon the siding wall of the storage room under the back porch.  It stung a little but into the hot water I submerged myself and as I lay curled into a corner, I felt a trickle down my head and soon discovered it was blood.

The sash from my cotton robe I pulled and after blotting my head with my robe wrapped the thin sash around my head like a turban and remained inside the warm waters until the heat I could not longer stand and once inside the house while drying I soon discovered that the bruise above my head once the make shift turban was removed was bleeding as was a cut upon my left hand that I had used to brace myself against the fall.

My hand took 3 band aids until the blood from that cut was contained but the cut upon my forehead proved to be a little more menacing after taping down a couple gauze squares over the band aid already there.

And while neither cut was as bad as it appeared to be bleeding, I can once again thank XARELTO for my new condition.

Strange Influences

Right after we were married, my wife for some reason decided to take out cancer insurance since it did not cost very much and the small policy covered her and her spouse.  Ten years later, I was diagnosed the Non-Hodgkin's Lymphocyte Lymphoma (SLL) and a few years after she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Follicular Lymphoma which e both thought was some kind of huge coincidence.  Her cancer has been in remission for almost 5 years while mine no only will require monthly treatments for the rest of my life but those treatments a few years back caused me to contract Melanoma as well...   so, it would appear that our small cancer insurance policy will be paying out for a long time.

What forces of nature or of the cosmos let's say possess her to take out that cancer insurance policy years ago?  And, for me of you I suppose you will not see the link and will think that I am a touched in the head went mentioning it...  but, there are forces at work about which we know very little to nothing that influence our lives in strange and sometimes unusual ways and these influences will never be properly explained...  yet they occur all the same.

A Continuation

Night sweats and somewhat frequent (2-3) urination seem to be my nightly routine these days of my recent past and while there is a concern for these issues, there seems to be no other reason for me to be alarmed because all my tests and scans have demonstrated no metabolic activity at all.  Therefore, I should feel reassured at least momentarily I suppose.

I have been absent in the gym for the last two weeks because of my surgery and recovery and because I strained some ligaments and tendons in my right shoulder making it very difficult to raise at all for a few days but some ice and cream has mended it to the point where I think that I could return on Monday, 2 days hence.

I don't miss the strength machines but I do miss getting out of the house and going somewhere even if I have to wear a mask...  some type of physical exercise is necessary for me to maintain a strong heart.

Unremarkable

Friday the 13th was unremarkable as far as being a day was concerned since for the previous two mornings I was up early, this morning allowed me to sleep in a little later which I am not sure made any difference as far as feeling rested was concerned.  One issue that I am experiencing as I get older is that I find myself having to urinate more, especially in the evenings...  and recently have paid it not that much attention as I have been drinking more water lately.  

However, the water is not simply pure water from the refrigerator but water with some flavoring added and perhaps the taste of it helps in my consumption who knows...  but, even since spending a few days in the hospital this past summer, I have told myself as the doctors told me...  I need to drink more water.

One would think that Friday the 13th would be a day of bad omens but nothing negative ever came to pass as far as me or my surroundings were concerned and most of the day was spent working outside in 60 degree weather preparing the outside area for the coming of winter.

The only issue that I have and it is not really a concern is that there has been a little night sweating ever since I had my IVIG infusion two days ago...  and, while night sweats bother me because if makes me feel as though my cancer is growing, I have continually been reassured by my Oncologist that night sweats can be brought on by my treatments as well.

Still...  there is a concern shadow hanging over my head like Linus because of my medical conditions and I try very hard not to worry about it and just take it one moment by moment and one day at a time...  as best I can.

Biopsy Results

Today, I awoke early again at 6:00 am and counting and will be traveling to Knoxville once again as well to see my Urologist for the results of the biopsy...  a result I have been hoping will be positive especially since the Urologist said he thought everything looked pretty good; but, one never knows for sure until the result are in officially.

According to the statistics:  Three out of 4 prostate biopsies are negative for cancer. In men with a PSA less than 10, only 9% have aggressive cancer.  My PSA numbers were between 7 and 9 after having a reading of 8 several months earlier...  so, if statistics really have any meaning at all, then I should be receiving a good report today.

It is time for for to leave, so I will add to this message when I return...

➰➰➰➰➰➰

9:45 am

I am back from my 7:45 am appointment with the Urologist to learn of my results and on the whole they were positive, except for one area #11 looking at the above image had atypical results which is not an indication of cancer being there or not being there outside of being just a possibility...  and, that possibility is, according to the doctor, about 30% which he likened to a 30% chance of rain and what would be the odds of you getting rained on...

So, we have another PSA test scheduled in 5 months...  and, it appears that a PSA of between 6-8 (which is still a little high) might be rather normal for me at this point-in-time...  meaning if my PSA goes above 8, then instead of another invasive biopsy, an MRI will be performed.

Slow growing prostate cancer takes 10-15 years of becoming critical if caught early...  and, with my results, I am quite possibly right before being caught early which is really good news...  and, at 73 years of age and if there was any cancer of which to speak, I would be between 83 and 85 before anything critical were to develop and by then and especially since we are watching now, hopefully, I will never get to that stage of criticality.

Surgery would probably never be entertained for me because of my age and my continued battle with cancers, so it would either be radiation or some kind of chemo therapy or quite possibly both.  Neither of which has ever caused me problems before...

KNOCK ON WOOD...  as they say...

Time Again for IVIG

What is IVIG?

Pooled human plasma is the starting point for the manufacture of intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIg). Plasma is obtained either by separation of whole blood or by plasmapheresis. Plasmapheresis is a process whereby only plasma is collected at the time of donation and the cellular components of blood are returned to the donor. The procedure is more time consuming for the donor. However, it does enable larger quantities of plasma to be collected more frequently from each donor.

Why is it Taken?

Some people may take IVIg instead of other medications (such as immunosuppressants, corticosteroids, or biologic drugs) to help treat their immune system disorders. In some cases, you may take IVIg along with immunosuppressants or other meds.

Your body’s immune system normally makes enough antibodies to fight germs that cause infections. But if you have an immune deficiency, your body can’t make enough of them. This puts you at greater risk for infections that could make you very sick. IVIg gives you antibodies that your body is not making on its own so you can fight infections.

For me personally, it is taken because after over a decade of Cancer Treatments, Radiations, and Surgeries, my immune system has been shot to hell, but I am anemic which only serves to make matters worse instead of better.  My Oncologist thinks it is prudent especially since for the last 9 months or so, I have been experiencing ongoing sinus infections that could eventually impact other organs in my body.  

It takes about two and half hours to complete these infusions through my port.