The Day After the Day After

It is the morning of the day after the day of my surgery and the feeling is mutual and I am in agreement with myself that much better do I feel now that the bleeding when I urinate has stopped...  and, while I knew that I would it is still always reassuring when that happens as one was told just before leaving the surgery center.  

Since 2007, when first diagnosed with cancer my life has forever been changed and while I would not say for the worst or for the better, I would say that it has simply changed as I am no longer the man or person I was before that date...  and, it is true that obviously I am older but not yet more wise, I still believe my persona has been forever changed.

And, it is true that we live in strange times and quite possibly more strange for those of us who are older, our country is changing right before our eyes just as my body has changed right before my eyes and there is nothing anyone can do to change either fact of life.

It is a strange feeling indeed to live with cancer(s) and to be told that you are living on borrowed time but I have always believed quite strongly that my time is not and has never been my own that my life has always been guided by some unseen force of life, not completely understood by me or others but there nonetheless...  it is this force of life that has prevented me from becoming rich or ending up poor and it is this force of life that has guided my life from the moment I took my first breath.  It is not necessarily a good or bad force nor is the force indifferent, it is however a force of life that compels without compelling and that moves without moving.

I am here on earth for as long as I am supposed to be on earth and I will do exactly that which I am supposed to do while I am here, believing that I still make my own decisions...  it is just that events around me that are unknown to me at the time and in the future put me into a position to make the decisions that I do...  and, while that seems a bit scary, it is still a truth that I believe very strongly.

Living With Cancer

If I remember correctly, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's "B" cell Lymphoma in 2007 but my treatments did not start until 2008 for some reason because they had to watch it for 6 months...  sounds crazy but that was the protocol then.  So, as 2020 began 3 months ago, I had just entered my 13th year of treatment.

And, about 5 years into my treatment and after receiving some high powered chemo toxins, it was discovered (quite by accident) that I had Melonoma on the bottom of my left foot after first thinking it was a wart and having it cut off twice.  The Melanoma tumor was surgically removed and because of the skill of the surgeon, I did not lose any toes in the process.   And, since there was no protocols in place for a tumor that small and in the early stages, I received no
follow-up chemo treatments or radiation.  FOUR and a half years later, the Melanoma can back very aggressively in my groin and because of its extensiveness, could not be surgically removed this time.

Treatment for Melanoma was instituted and even though there was some disagreements between my Oncologist and his colleagues, my non-Hodgkin's "B" cell Lymphoma treatment continued not knowing if the two treatments would cancel each other out or not.  Radiation in my groin was added about 9 months later.

Well...  and, much to everyone's surprise ALL THREE TREATMENTS WORKED IN HARMONY and my cancers with both substantially reduced as was the indication of a PET/CT scan three months later.

ALL-IN-ALL and over the course of 12 years, I have had regular chemo, wicked chemo, surgery, radiation, IVIG treatment, Immunotherapy treatments and pills....   and, one would think that my body would have been RAVAGED by all this medical abuse.  AND, while I have been extremely sick and had to go to the ER six times to stop vomiting every hour or so, my body has been magically or spiritually resilient.

I have had 3-4 squamous cell carcinomas surgically removed that were typical side effects of the chemo, but NO HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT on the top of my head except that which was supposed to fall out because of my family predispositions.  While not hair has fallen out, my body has gained 30 pounds as a result of over 150 infusions that are always and only given after receiving premeds that are loaded with STEROIDS to prevent/reduce nausea.  It is difficult to lose steroid induced weight gain.


My skin has lost some of its pink pigment making it look like my arms and neck were slightly burned in a fire but other than that, I have more-or-less felt pretty good for the last 12 years, except for daily then intermittent nausea that was EASILY eliminated with pills...   so, it represented only minor inconvenience that is to say...  looking back.

With that said, let me say that for the last THREE YEARS, I have had to deal with chronic fatigue which has been a BITCH to live with, but recently even that has begun to disappear as I believe my body is finally adjusting to the problem...  consequently, I have begun exercising again.

How long with this last?

I have no idea...

ONE DAY AT A TIME, is my new lifestyle...  as I begin to learn what this new pill for my THYROID issues is going to do to me.