Good News is Good News Mostly

Good News is always good news I suppose since good news is never misconstrued as bad news and I suppose vice versa is applicable here as well...  but, who in their right mind ever thinks like that???

My visit with my Oncologist was nothing but good news.  All the results from my blood work show improvements in all areas except the number of red blood cells still making me a little anemic and the results from my most recent CT scan show the damn tumor in my lung SHRINKING even though the doctors say it is too early and with a biopsy to define it as cancer.

So, the meds I am taking for my Melanoma, my Opdivo, more than likely were responsible for the results of this shrinking tumor...  which now beg the question:  how did the tumor get here in the first place?  So...  one could probably say will relative confidence that Opdivo KILLS but it does not prevent...  and, I suppose one is just as good as the other...  for  person like me...

Today's infusion of Opdivo marks #40 which in and of itself is a great milestone because many people do not make it past #10 without having some sort of adverse side effects...  but my body tends to tolerate rather well, other that ruining the functionality of my Thyroid that will require medication for the rest of my life

Still...  it was a good day at the doctor's office...  but, there is still this other problem of which we must contend and the Oncologist thinks that I should see a gastrologist since my symptoms are in their area of expertise...  ironically, I am seeing one in a couple of weeks for a colonoscopy but the question is:  do I update the doctor with this new information before or after the procedure?

What an interesting life once one gets beyond 60...

Morning Reflections

What is rather interesting and as I am fond of saying, at least to me, both of my arms are bruised very little; in fact, what bruises that used to be there are almost gone...  what does this mean?  Well, it means that I have not bumped into anything recently either while walking or when I was doing something else which is typically the case for me.

Tomorrow, we I see my Oncologist after 2 months, at least my arms will appear almost as natural as they can get...  although, it is today that I am taking down the outside Christmas Decorations and there is no telling how clumsy I will be.

I have more than normal to present to my Oncologist this time what with sinus infections, an off and on again bleeding nose, night sweats, day sweats, but this time and unlike previous testimonies I have a loss of appetite along with a loss of taste and smell.

Paying attention to all these little details can be a pain in the ass most of the time and I have stopped sharing with my spouse as I believe she simply got tired of hearing and me fretting about all of the possibilities and what I should do if any of them were to happen...   I suppose that is good for business but not always good for family health.

Still... I am who I am...  and, it is not really my fault if others don't like it...  but, they believe that I should change for them rather than them changing for me...  and, therein lies the reason for our 50% divorce rate in America, including THE BIBLE BELT.

Presently

I am going to see the Oncologist on Thursday along with my monthly infusion of Opdivo, but this visit will be more than the normal routine monthly visit because I will be informed of the CT results and if this lung growth is increasing in size and large enough for a biopsy.  Plus, I will be able to share the most recent systems of my physical health which seems to me to be an indication that something negative or less than positive is going on inside me.

I took a shower this morning and almost took one last night before going to bed because my body odor was horrific...  and the odd thing is about that...  I had taken a shower just that morning and sat around all day not even feeling like I was sweating...  but something was oozing out of me...  and, it wasn't pleasant.

The last time I mentioned that, I was further tested and was put on thyroid medicine...  I wonder it it again needs adjusting?  I was lethargic back them as well as I recall but still had an appetite.  Who knows what the hell is going on inside...   all I know is that something is and I just don't feel good anymore.

Back to Basics

The Link Often Overlooked

Over the holiday season, some of us who are still religious, refer to as Christmas, I ate your typical meals including sweets, always making sure that I ate no more than 2,000 calories, but tried to remain under 1,800 more like around 1,500 and did a pretty good job with with goal but never felt like I was actually starving myself or that I was walking away hungry.

I always get on the scales in the morning after I pee and before I get dressed and while our scales might be off a bit, they are at least consistent with that difference and my weight continues to drop about 1 pound each day although sometimes it will go up a pound or two but always drop back down to where it was before...   I am now at 221.6...   Christmas changed my eating habits a little but before I was averaging between 1,200 and 1,500 but hardly ever over although sometimes under was happening when I really did not feel hungry.

When one thinks about weight loss since March of 2020 until our current time, 9 months later, I have lost a little over 25 pounds, about 30 to be more exact since I started out with a weight of 252...  so, there has been a loss of 30 pound over 9 months or roughly 36 weeks which can be easily calculated to less than a pound a week which is an acceptable plan of action in anyone's book

However, about 10 of those pounds were lost in a period of a week +/- due to a staph infection that had me hospitalized for 6 days which undecidedly gave me the advantage when it came to losing weight even though the experience was one I would not want to repeat anytime soon.

While that seems like an interesting feat to accomplish, I had a little help from my own body because for some reason and without a good explanation (on my end) I have lost my sense of taste along with my appetite and along those two, I seem to be a lot more lethargic than normal which has nothing to do with feeling fatigued...  as instead of feeling tired, I feel like I don't want to do anything at all...  I find myself taking afternoon naps that sometimes last well into the evening when it is time to go to bed again...

My night sweats are back as well but with a very low intensity and there are aches and pains all along my lower back and across my stomach...  but, these do not ache like aches and pains from the flu and seem to be centralized to those two areas as if they are coming from sitting too much or lying too much...  but again, I am no doctor so I cannot say for sure.

I don't feel like I have a temperature although sometimes, I am cold to the point of shivering while at other times, I can lay on the bed without the benefit of sheet or comforter and feel neither heat nor cold as I maintain a comfortable body temperature...  all in the same room with the same temperatures...  seems kind of odd to me but I don't know what it means.

There are no muscle or joint pains in my shoulders, hips, and knees or up and down my backbone which according to all my scans are areas of extreme arthritis; however, sometimes when I reach around my right arm to the left side of my neck and try to wash my back as much as I can, there is discomfort from that joint but that is the only one and that is the only time it hurts.

I can also walk up and down the basement steps without having to breath heavily the second time which is what I just did this afternoon when we were putting up the inside Christmas decorations...  the front yard has yet to be cleared since there is still snow all around all the objects we have out there, even though all our roads except for isolated patches where the sun don't shine are completely clear.

Another Silent Movie

 

Charlie Chaplin

 

Christmas 2020

 

Christmas Eve -- Christmas Carols

 

The Perils of Cold Weather

Every time it gets to be cold weather here in the valley and we have to turn on our electric heat, my
sinuses rebel like a drunk teenager on prom night...  there are some kind of canal connecting the sinus to the ears and the electric heat, for some reason, causes them to clog up and I loose 10-15% of my hearing and I feel like I need to go to the clinic and get my ears cleaned out.

Yes...  we have a humidifier and no...  it does not help...  and, she's a big beauty of a humidifier holding about a gallon of water that is filled up twice a day...  once in the morning and again in the evening around sunset...  give or take.

My body, like my father's body, has a tendency to sweat at night, so it is difficult for me to say if cancer or the cancer treatments, or just my body is causing it to sweat.  Sometimes, the sweating is heavy sometimes it is not, but it is sufficient for me to need to take a shower each morning.  Cold weather makes it more noticeable especially since I have to get up about 2-3 times at night an pee.

Getting out of the bed sweaty is an interesting experience if you don't mind shivering and getting back into the bed with cold wet sheets is another one...  so, I have learned to put on a bathrobe before returning to bed and because of that extra layer encourages me to sweat even more.

Besides, our bedroom seems to be the coldest place in the house which is great in the humid days of summer but not to good when it is cold...  still, it gets the blood flowing.

Another CT Scan

Last month when I was given the results of a recent PET scan, my Oncologist shared with ne that data that indicated there was a tumor in my lung and while there was nothing about which to be alarmed, he recommended another CT just of that area in about 6 weeks.  My first thought was that nothing to worry about does not reconcile with another CT in 6 weeks, but I said nothing.

Today, I am having that CT and in a way I like CT's because I can eat and drink anything that I want right up to the moment I walk into the scanning room, at least theoretically but I would suspect that once you start drinking that tasteless liquid for a hour prior to the scan, they would prefer that you ingest nothing else into your system.

Depending upon the results of today which I will not know about until the end of the this month, there could be a biopsy performed but nothing was discussed after that...   but there are not really that many options out of do nothing, surgery, and/or treatment.

Lucky me it was caught early...   Strange how the tumor grew so fast in 3 months since my previous scan did not pick it up.

Losing Weight

I will not know for sure how accurate our scales are until the end of this month when I see my Oncologist and have my monthly infusion because whenever I see the doctor, my weight is taken and I believe that their digital scales are more accurate than mine. 

And while my appetite has all but disappeared, my weight is steadily decreasing from one day to the next...   it seems hard for me to believe that this current weight is coming from simply eating right around 1500 calories each day.

It is also odd, at least it seems to me, how my fatigue is off again on again along with a couple of days of flu like symptoms and then it all disappears...  My monthly infusions would not suggest that this behavior is associated since its onset was quite immediate and not gradually, nor would one think that receiving IVIG every other month is often enough to prevent what is happening either.

Kinda like being caught between a rock and a hard place and the only open door that is not quite shut is the CT scan I will be having tomorrow on my upper chest to ascertain if the tumor in my lung is growing and if so, is it big enough to perform a biopsy?  Now that could be the culprit of it all.

Achy Muscles All Over

Weekends always mark the end of a week and the begin of a new week as if one merges seamlessly into the other not just without fail but with too much notice, like the straight line of a cycle.  And, while neither the week nor the weekend means that much to those of us who are retired, this current weekend, ending today marks in my mind at least two days of feeling poorly...  not so much tired or hung over but more like my whole body has been aching whenever I get up and start to move around...  and I sorta wish I had not gotten up at all.

My appetite has been lessening these last couple of months as I have been training myself to eat less at a sitting but eat more often...   aiming for 5-6 times a day or about every 2 hours:  10:00 am, noon, 2:00 pm, 4:00 pm, and 6:00 pm and if there is anything going to be eaten at 8:00 pm it can only be fruit and cool whip or right around a 100 calories, but more importantly...  it is a light snack.

However, these last couple of days,. not only have I lost my appetite when every time I eat and regardless of what that might be, my stomach immediately feels upset...  not bloated or nauseas but like there is too much acid and I need saltine crackers or a Pepto bismol tablet.

At my age it is a strange sensation because I am concerned that I might be over-reacting if I say something or if I don't bring it to anyone's attention that I will regret it later.  They say old age is a bitch....  but, in my situation and because my body has already been exposed to more than is normal, I am a little gun shy when it comes to ignoring a "sickly" sensation...  but, I do think that I should give this journey at least one more day.

Eating Habits Learned/Acquired

 

Nowadays

At the age of 40, I went cold turkey on cigarettes and reduced my consumption of alcohol to just a few glasses of wine on most every holiday...  until I reached the age of 60 when I started my chemo treatments and had to give up all alcohol regardless of the frequency or event.  At 70, I made sure that there were double sheets laying on top of the sheet on the mattress and that a bathrobe was convenient just in case I sweated. 

I also learned that my body could no longer perform the physical activities that it used to perform without resting 30 minutes or so every 60-90 minutes...  and, since my Melanoma had returned twice, my desire to get out into the sun was discouraged unless I was wearing long sleeves plus a lot of sunscreen.  Now, my ability to enjoy my vacations was limited just at the time when I was in a position to take several anytime I wanted.  I had little desire to go anywhere but a warm coastal beach.

But, that was not all of the changes...  my sensitivity to cold and heat worsened and not only did I get colder quicker once the temps went into the 40's but the humidity of the summer without a strong wind made it almost impossible for me to breathe without air conditioning.  Once we got into late fall, the tubes connected my ears to my nose (I think) would fill up with mucus making it difficult for me to hear even when enunciation was clear just not loud enough.

When I was 73 and experienced afib for the first time, I told my Cardiologist that I had felt nothing at all as a warning sign, so now I am on Xarelto and the slightest cut on my face when I save, will bleed for a couple of days and requires two band aids one on top of each other to keep the wound from bleeding.  Those bandages remain for at least another two days.

Not only do I sweat during the night but I sweat all over during the day like a fine mist covering my skin and unless I take a shower everyday, my body odor is horrible.,

My appetite comes and comes as does my sense of smell and taste so when I am eating anything, the food is just food without any kind of taste and if there is a taste associated with what I eat, it is not an enjoyable taste so I am not mentally encouraged to eat a lot.

The fatigue that I experience is sporadic and comes and goes at various times throughout the day whereas before it always arrived at specific or general times on which I could plan and make accommodations but now I just have to wait and see

The bruises on my arms and legs come and go as well, but it does not take much to cause a bruise so I have to be careful all the time with what I am doing.  I balanced a box of cat liter on my left arm so I could pour with my right hand and the next day my left arm had several bruises on it...  even though it hit nothing to cause a bruise to appear.  Sometimes, my arms are covered in bruise tats and I look like a member of a street gang.

This is a little of what I live with everyday...

A Work In Progress

A work-in-progress is a business terms and refers to the raw materials that are in the progress of being improved or having financial value added to them.  Once that value has been added they are referred to a finished goods and are no longer a work-in-progress.

Our lives are works-in-progress as they move from one hour to the next, one day to the next, one week to the next, one month...  one year...  one decade...  and, then finally one lifetime where are bodies are destroyed in some humane fashion and our souls disappear forever.

Our heath, especially when one is sick, are works-in-progress...  and, while some of us improve, others will not and many of us will continue to be works-in-progress for the rest of our natural lives...  always having value being added to us in the terms of treatments and medicines.

But, works-in-progress can damn near be considered anything...  for example:

• preparing a meal
• eating a meal
• painting a room
• mowing the lawn
• going to school
• taking a vacation
• preparing one's taxes
• writing a text
• answering a phone call

We don't think about it very often but works-in-progress are all around us all the time and yesterday when I took my cat to the Vet, our work-in-progress lasted over 90 minutes waiting in the car because the Vets had been interrupted by several emergencies....   and, emergencies always take priority over other works-in-progress no matter how long others might have to wait.

I spent some time last June/July (I cannot remember which month it was) in the ER and my work-in-progress took priority over the others potential patients who were waiting.  I had a staph infection, very low blood pressure, afib, heart and kidney failure...  and, if my arrival had been several minutes later, then there is a very good possibility I would not be alive to write about it.

And...  while that work-in-progress is over, I have other works-in-progress with which the doctors and I must deal on a daily but mostly monthly basis.

Health Reflections 1947 to Present

💨Every other month, I am receiving infusions of IVIG to bolster my immune system from all my cancer treatments.  I am living with a very low white blood cell count and a low red blood cell count that gives me anemia.

💨Every month...   actually, every 4 four weeks (because there are two in December), I receive an infusion of OPDIVO which specifically targets my Melanoma and so far my Melanoma has been kept under check especially after it was exposed to 6 doses of radiation.

💨Everyday, I take two 140 ml capsules of Imbruvica which is designed to keep my non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma under control and so far it has worked...  although, since it is a pill and not an infusion, there is an out-of-pocket cost that is very high and I am receiving a grant from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation to pay for it...  It is somewhere between $1,000 and $3,000 each month extra.

💨Most of the pills that I take daily are totally designed and focused on my heart (8 out of 12) because of a heart attack I suffered back in 2008/2009...  not completely sure...  Instead of a triple bypass, I had my arteries cleaned out and stints inserted (5 all totaled over 3 operations) and after being hospitalized for afib and heart failure, I was told that I would now experience afib for the rest of my life.

💨Everyday, I take a pill for my Thyroid and its regulation because it was damaged by all my cancer treatments over the last decade or so...  the pills are good for 90 days only in case the dosage has to be increased/decreased depending upon special tests performed...  and, when that is all worked out, I will receive them by mail each month or as needed.

💨I receive alternating CT and PET scans every 3 months which my insurance company has authorized to my Oncologist, but there is no correlation made if my Cardiologist or my Urologist orders one.  My last PET scan was CLEAN or showed no metabolic activity however, there was a tumor in my lung that required another CT to be performed in 6 weeks...  and, my insurance did not hesitate since it was targeting another concern.  This scan is schedule for a week from yesterday.

💨Every two years, instead of every 5 or 10 years, I have a colonoscopy because of the numerous polyps that were removed the last time.  I am not sure nor have I been informed that some of my cancer treatments may encourage colon cancer...  but, since that is how I contracted my Melanoma, it is high on my list of concerns.  However, I have been eating a lot of beans and vegetables all the same.

💨I made several recent trips to my Urologist and finally underwent a biopsy and out of 12 areas tested there was only 1 that offered some concern which the Urologist said would be watched but the odds were that nothing would probably happen.

💨I have been to several Orthopedic Doctors about issues with my lower back and that every once in a while I can bend over wrong and when that happens I can hardly stand up or move my body around in bed, to turn from side-to-side.  Exercises can strengthen my back, but my lower back as well as along my spine and in my shoulder joints, I am experiencing more than normal arthritis for a man of my age.

💨While I have never been tested for bipolar disease, my daughter and my mother tested positive and the doctor for my daughter said that in all likelihood I had bipolar disease as well...  I remember when I was 19, I was treated for depression because of the MILITARY DRAFT and the Vietnam War but after several months, I just stopped taking my pills.  Throughout my life, I have experienced lows and highs but I always managed my own condition by keeping it hidden as best as I could.

Middle of December... almost...

I always think of the middle and end of the month as the 15th and 30th because those were the two days of the month that checks were typically written for most of us...   although, some get paid every Friday and some get paid on the last day of the month...  yet, for me...  those were always the exceptions.

Wednesday is also considered to be the middle of the work week and that is true if your work week last only 5 days but for many of us, the work week is at least 6 days and sometimes seven so Wednesday being the middle does not always apply here either.

So, we are left with a day of the week that no one really wants to claim and yet, Wednesdays happen 4 times each month whether we like it or not.

Wednesdays for me marks either the day before I get chemo or the day where I am going to teach a class at night to several evening students, who...  like most other evening students hold full time jobs.

Other than that, Wednesdays usually have become that day of the week where I either start to feel better or start to feel worse, depending upon my various circumstances.  When I was in the hospital, I was beginning to feel better which was also the case when I had to take antibiotics three times a day for 28 days.  However, Wednesdays also represent that day of the week where either the IVIG or the CHEMO has worked its way out of the body leaving me empty and fatigued and looking forward to my next infusion.

If I have not eaten much for a few days prior, Wednesdays are those days where I seem to always eat more than I should have...  maybe to compensate or maybe it is the middle of the week and I have plenty of time to return to my diet.

For the most part, I simply wish that Wednesdays did not exist, especially since it always represents either BEFORE or AFTER...

Living Until Eighty

As I recall reading in the Bible, God gave us 80 years of life and I am sure that HE assumed that 80 years would be enough to do whatever it is the HE wanted us to do.  Some of us live less that 80 while others live more and if you are in good health, it is reasonable to assume that you will live more...  My mother lived to 95 and almost to 96 six before she passed away with all her children sitting around in her bedroom at the hospice center waiting for it to happen.  When she quit eating, they told us our mother was near the end.

Our father died in a hospital room the day after Thanksgiving with no family at all in his room.  My brother was in NYC.  My sister was at her home.  I was with my mother at their house in Chapel Hill, NC and we were on our way to the hospital that morning...  I had dropped her off at the main entrance to the Hospital and had gone back to shower as she was up much earlier than me that morning...  As I was showering, my sister yelled up at me that he had died before our mother had arrived and she was informed by the nurse once she left the elevator on his floor.

How will I die?

Who will be around?

Will I be alone or with family?

At 73 years of age right now, I am only given 7 years more to get my affairs in order and make all the necessary arrangements.  However, there are no affairs to get in order and no arrangements to be made...  Everything I own will be given to my wife and my body is being donated to medical science. It will be the responsibility of my wife to dispose of all my non financial property as I see no reason why she should keep any of it.

My brother in NYC and I seldom talk and he has informed me that since there is 8 years difference in our age we have nothing in common.

My sister still lives in Chapel Hill, NC with her husband and the families of their 3 children and while she is my sister by blood, we too like my brother and I have nothing in common and she has decided that she will only communicate to me through my wife.

My daughter lives in China and has a productive, wealthy life and lives with her wealthy British boyfriend and has decided not to communicate with me for about 2 years now...  so, I doubt very seriously that she would be too upset once she learned that I was no longer among the living.

My wife and I have no debt.

We own our home and vehicles.

We have no investments other than the Credit Union.

We have just enough money to pay our bills for another 25 years taking my wife to age 93.

My wife has one son who would inherit everything.

Life and Death for us is really all very simple.

Hypochondriac or What...

As I have mentioned before, it was not until the age of 60 that I began my declining health and while I had a very healthy body at age 60 and it has declined, my overall physical health is still pretty good.  Over the weekend, I pruned trees for about a couple of hours and then carried all the cut off limbs across the street to be picked up by our garbage collectors.

However, since I contracted my second cancer and since I have had radiation, and since my age is no longer 60 but 73...  I made the mental decision at 70 to start bringing up what I noticed was bothering me at the risk of being considered a hypochondriac.  As a result of putting that into action, the doctors discovered that my cancer treatment had screwed up my thyroid.

Then, after stopping IVIG because of a national shortage, I was able to start it again but only every other month instead of monthly because I complained of on-going sinus infections and the doctors agreed that my treatments caused that as well.

Over the last several days perhaps 1-2 weeks or more, I have been putting polysporin on a knot on my penis that grew into an abscess and finally broke open but is still leaking.  During this same time, in the mornings when I blow my nose, I notice that there is a lot of blood that comes out which could be another sinus infection.  Then, this past Friday while taking a shower, I spit all sorts of died blood and I kept spitting blood for a couple of hours until I washed out my mouth with hydrogen peroxide 3%.  At first I thought the blood was also from my nose, but there was a spot on my gums.

During the last several weeks I have also notice my nausea returning as well as afternoon fatigue around 4:00/5:00 pm which may not be fatigue at all because it goes away somewhat if I eat a snack...

My concern is that for 28 days, I took antibiotics 3 times a day after being hospitalized for 6 days with a staph infections and could my body be now retaliating or trying to rebalance after being treated like that...  don't know but it is something that I am going to ask my Oncologist at the end of this month when I have my next treatment.

And, isn't is curious how all these infections are clustered together over these last few days.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash 1969